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Jokes of the Lunar Empire

By Greg Stafford

What's the difference between a Sartar wedding and a Sartar wake?
One less drinker.

By Greg Stafford

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A Sartar burglar.

By Greg Stafford

A guy walks into a bar and says,
"Hey buddy, I have a couple of really funny Sartar jokes here!"
The bar tender leans over and says,
"Listen, if I were you I'd watch your tongue. Those two big guys with horns on their helmets over there are Sartarites. I'm no midget and I'm Sartarite, and every man in here is Sartarite."
"Oh, Okay," says the guy, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y."

By Greg Stafford

How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Sartarite?
The garbage's been eaten and the dog is pregnant.

By Greg Stafford

How can you tell a broo has been on your property?
The dog's been eaten and the garbage's pregnant.

Sent by Alan Kellogg

How can you tell there's a Sartarite at the cock fight?
    He enters a duck.
How can you tell a Tarshite is present?
    He bets on the duck.
How can you tell an Alkothite is present?
    The duck wins.

By Greg Stafford

Did you hear about my cousin? He was logging and a tree fell on him. They rushed him to the healer, and he woke up just after the guy was done.
"I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"
"The bad news."
"I had to cut off both of your legs above the knee."
"Reds!" he gasped."What the good news?"
"The guy in the next bed wants to buy your boots."

By Greg Stafford

Two priests were discussing the decline of morals in the world today.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one, "Did you?"
"I don't know," he said, "What was her maiden name?"

By Greg Stafford

What's the difference between a pig and a Sartarite?
A pig wouldn't stay up all night to have sex with a Sartarite.

By Greg Stafford

Donald MacDonald from Sartar went to study at a university and was Living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whiskey.
"And how do you find the Dara happan students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy Dara Happan neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

By Greg Stafford

If I ever see a falling star, I'm going to use my wish to wish that it had never fallen in the first place. If I'm lucky, that will throw the entire universe into a logic loop and while everyone is busy attending to that, I'll skip work the next day.

By Greg Stafford

Two old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved stick football all our lives. Sam, you gotta' do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's stick football in heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is stick football in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
"You're goalie next Tuesday!"

By Greg Stafford

An Ontorite and A Buserian were traveling cross country. After a good meal and a jug of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, the Ontorite awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Buserian, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"
The Buserian replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" the Ontorite asked.
The Buserian pondered for a minute. "Numerically, it tells me that numbers go to millions billions. Celestialogically, I observe that Shargash is in the Summer Fields. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that Divinity is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
The Ontorite sighed, was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Buseri, you fool. Someone stole our tent."

By Greg Stafford

A couple was invited to a swanky masked party in Raibanth. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some herbs and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the rooms and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Baro, Perkale and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

By Greg Stafford

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the vegetable man, the messenger, the inspector, and your brother."

By Greg Stafford

A fellow from Darjiin was in Dara Happa, visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable way of life - something he was not accustomed to, being from Darjiin.

While he was walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until it was dead.

As the dead animal lay at his feet, a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for the Raibanth newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous.

I'll have the runners announce
"RAIBANTH MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH,"
The would-be savior explained that it was very nice, but he was from Darjiin - not Raibanth. The next day the runners of the Raibanth paper read:
"DARJIINITE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET."

By Greg Stafford

Two Darjiinites were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get a horse?"
The second Darjiinite replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this pony. She leapt off, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.' "
The second Darjiinite nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

By Greg Stafford

A traveling ventriloquist is on stage in a Heortling village. After he has made fun of the villagers for quite a while, one of the more intelligent villagers stands up to complain, speaking out on the wits of the Heortlings. The ventriloquist replies that he has only told a few harmless jokes. He is interrupted by the villager: "I'm not talking to you, but to that crazy little guy on your lap."

Sent by Chebatz

Q: What do you get if you cross-breed an Orlanthi and a goat?
A: A stupid goat.

Sent by Jon Hill

Korol and Oddi were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a battle with a sea monster. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Oddi stumbled across an old Fonritan lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter Oddi blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

Korol looked disgustedly at Oddi. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Sent by Roderick Robertson

A Lhankor Mhy lawspeaker from Sartar, a Kralorelan Aptanace sage and a Lunar Irippi Ontor researcher once began a debate about what was the fastest thing in Glorantha.
- I'm sure that it's the lightning bolt, said the Lhankor Mhy.
- When it strikes, you're powerless to prevent it, and once it has striken, it's already gone.
- I beg to differ, said the Kralorelan.
-For I believe, that it is thought that is still faster. When I am in my home in Kralorela and imagine Pamaltela, my thoughts take me there instantly.
- If you want to know my opinion, said the Irippi Ontor.
-I think the fastest thing in the universe is shit.
- SHIT? exclaimed both of the other knowledge devotees.
- Oh, come on, do you have anything to prove that?
- Actually, I have, said the Irippi Ontor.
-Last time I had a diarrhea, I ran inside as fast as a lightning, but before I could even think about opening the toilet door, I had already crapped in my pants.

A Darjiinite and a Raibanthite were sitting in a bar.
- Look, said the Raibanthite.
- I think that pretty woman over there is smiling at me.
- So what, said the Darjiinite.
- When I first saw you, I nearly died of laughter.

A conversation in the courtyard of a Lunar garrison:
The drill sergeant: -Private, why did you join the honorable Lunar army?
The private: -To get away from women, Sir
The drill sergeant: -Have you succeeded in it?
The private: -Yes, love.

The Moonson, standing naked in front of a mirror:
- Two inches longer, and I would be king among men.
- Darling, two inches shorter, and you'd be queen amoung men, said his mistress from bed.

Sent by Mikko Metsälä

What does a lunar noble do to keep his hands so white and beautiful?
Absolutely nothing.

What do you call a lunar who hates women and makes fools out of them every year?
Fashion designer.

Sent by Dag Stålhandske

Limericks!

There once was a noble from Glamour,
Who spoke with a noticeable stammer.
An embarrassing error
Made him say "I'll join Gerra,
And hit my tongue with a ha-hammer!"

There was a young lady from Zoria,
Who travelled to far-off Peloria.
She said, "Where I'm from,
One man makes me come,
But here in the east it takes four o' ya."

Sent by David Dunham

A Dara Happan noble, an Orlanthi and a Kralorelan are on a boat. The captain comes into the back and says
"Sorry, men, but the boats taking on water and we're going down...there's two small dingys each of which only holds one man. As captain, I go down with the ship. The rest of you decide who else stays."
The Orlanthi says
"I have no fear of the next world. My bravery here assures me a place in the armies of Orlanth. You two take the boats."
The Kralorelan says
"Life and death are but illusions. No difference exists. You two may assuage your fears with the life boats. I await dragon consciousness."
The Dara Happan Noble says
"according to Yelmic law 573-42B, in any joke involving a noble savage, an enlightened mystic, and a member of a hated profession like Dara Happan noble, wherein a boat is going down, and a limited number of life boats are available, the member of the hated profession is supposed to demand one of the life boats, jump overboard with it, and then find out that he has in fact taken not the life boat but the ships tub, with which he sinks to the bottom of the ocean."
The Dara Happan noble then grabs the ships tub, jumps overboard, and drowns. At this, the captain of the boat comes back and says
"Boys, it's ok...I found and patched the leak! We're not going down!"
And then they sailed off to one of those Vithelan islands where the love between two men is not only tolerated, but is sometimes even celebrated.

Sent by James DiGiovanna

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